Very Cool Bridge

The Key to Paradise

daughter: "dad, what's between mom's legs?"
dad: "paradise."
daughter: "what's between your legs?"
dad: "the key for paradise."
daughter: "piece of advice dad, change the lock. the neighbor has a copy.."

Marriage Certificate Expiry

Wife: 'What are you doing?' 
Husband: Nothing. 
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

One Piece Laf 1 | Ace & Luffy Kids

This was when Ace and Luffy were still kids.
Ace asked Makino to teach him how to express gratitude properly for he wants to thank Red-Haired Shanks for saving his brother Luffy.

They started with how to introduce properly. And it went out to be a funny scene.

Euthanasia

Teacher: Pedro use Euthanasia in the sentence.
Pedro: Mam, Euthanasia is an act of mercy killing.
Teacher: Excellent Pedro!
Teacher: Juan use Euthanasia in the sentence.
Juan: Easy po yan mam. Our maid is no longer a virgin because na Euthanasia.

Matches

Mom: Have you brought the matches home? 


Son: Yes Mom!


Mum: Are they working??? 


Son: Yes! I have try up all the fire matches... It's working.

Teacher: English to Tagalog

TEACHER: Who among you can make a sentence then translate it in Tagalog?

PUPIL: My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?

TEACHER: Very good, translate it in Tagalog.

PUPIL: Ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?

I is? I am?

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
 
Student: I is the...

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: Okay. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Mother's Choice

Bob is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Bob replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Bob answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Bob replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Easter Egg Peacock

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in and saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Anti-Lie Robot

One day, a father buys a robot that slaps people who lie.
He tests it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today?
SON: At school.
*Robot slaps the son*

SON: Okay, I went to the movies. 
DAD: Which one? 
SON: Toy Story.
*Robot slaps the son again*

SON: Okay, it was Day with a Porn Star. 
DAD: When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
*Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.
*Robot slaps Mom*

Fat Football

The Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself up the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"Okay, follow me!" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good." said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

Penguin Drive

A man was driving down the road with thirty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with thirty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

Tiger Woods Joke

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Farting all the time

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Dictionary of Medical Terms

Artery	-The study of paintings.
Bacteria	-Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium	-What doctors do when patients die.
Benign	-What you be after you be eight.
Cesarean Section	-A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan	-Searching for kitty.
Cauterize	-Made eye contact with her.
Colic	-A sheep dog.
Coma	-A punctuation mark.
D & C	-Where Washington is.
Dilate	-To live long.
Enema	-Not a friend.
Fester	-Quicker than someone else.
Fibula	-A small lie.
Genital	-Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series	-World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail	-What you hang your coat on.
Impotent	-Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain	-Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff	-A doctor’s cane.
Morbid	-A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates	-Cheaper than day rates.
Node	-I knew it.
Outpatient	-A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear	-A fatherhood test.
Pelvis	-Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative	-A letter carrier.
Recovery Room	-Place to do upholstery.
Rectum	-Darn near killed him.
Secretion	-Hiding something.
Seizure	-Roman emperor.
Tablet	-A small table.
Terminal Illness	-Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor	-More than one.
Urine	-Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose	-Near by / close by

Labor Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

English Teacher

In Class:

• Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
• Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
• Cut an apple in two halfs - take the bigger half.
• Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away outside.
• Both of you three, get out of the class.
• Close the doors of the window.
• Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.
• Take 5 cm wire of any length.

About Family:

• I have two daughters both of them are girls.

At the play ground:

• All of you, stand in a straight circle.
• There is no wind in the balloon.

Punishment:

• You, rotate the ground four times
• You, go and under-stand the tree
• You three of you, stand together separately.
• Why you are late - say YES or NO

Foreign Language

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when suddenly a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse starts barking like a dog and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "Now you see why it's important to learn Foreign Language."

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and asked inquisitively, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?".
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Mama, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

James Bond 007

If 007 is James Bond...
Then who is 111?

Think ...

Think ...

Think ...

Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Trixie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Trixie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear! " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

White with Black Stripes

Two zebras are talking.

One zebra asks the other one, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

No way to please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." They laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to seek better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

0 to 200 in 5 seconds

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning, Dave woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife  ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing since Thursday.

Urine Test

Question: Whose urine is dirty, male or female?

Answer: Female.

Why? Because female urine comes from the canal while the male urine comes from the faucet. :p