Labor Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

English Teacher

In Class:

• Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
• Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
• Cut an apple in two halfs - take the bigger half.
• Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away outside.
• Both of you three, get out of the class.
• Close the doors of the window.
• Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.
• Take 5 cm wire of any length.

About Family:

• I have two daughters both of them are girls.

At the play ground:

• All of you, stand in a straight circle.
• There is no wind in the balloon.

Punishment:

• You, rotate the ground four times
• You, go and under-stand the tree
• You three of you, stand together separately.
• Why you are late - say YES or NO

Foreign Language

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when suddenly a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse starts barking like a dog and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "Now you see why it's important to learn Foreign Language."

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and asked inquisitively, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?".
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Mama, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

James Bond 007

If 007 is James Bond...
Then who is 111?

Think ...

Think ...

Think ...

Church Bells

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Trixie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Trixie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear! " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

White with Black Stripes

Two zebras are talking.

One zebra asks the other one, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."

The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

No way to please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." They laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to seek better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

0 to 200 in 5 seconds

Dave was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning, Dave woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife  ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Dave has been missing since Thursday.

Urine Test

Question: Whose urine is dirty, male or female?

Answer: Female.

Why? Because female urine comes from the canal while the male urine comes from the faucet. :p