Easter Egg Peacock

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in and saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock.

Anti-Lie Robot

One day, a father buys a robot that slaps people who lie.
He tests it at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today?
SON: At school.
*Robot slaps the son*

SON: Okay, I went to the movies. 
DAD: Which one? 
SON: Toy Story.
*Robot slaps the son again*

SON: Okay, it was Day with a Porn Star. 
DAD: When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!
*Robot slaps Dad*

MOM: HAHA! After all he's your son.
*Robot slaps Mom*

Fat Football

The Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself up the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"Okay, follow me!" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good." said the bat, "Because I didn't!"

Penguin Drive

A man was driving down the road with thirty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with thirty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

Tiger Woods Joke

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone."What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Farting all the time

Doctor: "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time."

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Dictionary of Medical Terms

Artery	-The study of paintings.
Bacteria	-Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium	-What doctors do when patients die.
Benign	-What you be after you be eight.
Cesarean Section	-A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan	-Searching for kitty.
Cauterize	-Made eye contact with her.
Colic	-A sheep dog.
Coma	-A punctuation mark.
D & C	-Where Washington is.
Dilate	-To live long.
Enema	-Not a friend.
Fester	-Quicker than someone else.
Fibula	-A small lie.
Genital	-Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series	-World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail	-What you hang your coat on.
Impotent	-Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain	-Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff	-A doctor’s cane.
Morbid	-A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates	-Cheaper than day rates.
Node	-I knew it.
Outpatient	-A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear	-A fatherhood test.
Pelvis	-Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative	-A letter carrier.
Recovery Room	-Place to do upholstery.
Rectum	-Darn near killed him.
Secretion	-Hiding something.
Seizure	-Roman emperor.
Tablet	-A small table.
Terminal Illness	-Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor	-More than one.
Urine	-Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose	-Near by / close by